Counselling

This One’s For the People Pleasers

November 21, 2016 | 1 Comment

This Week’s Book: The Nice Girl Syndrome (B. Engel)

I may have mentioned it before, but I totally judge a book by its cover. No…I’m not saying that as a metaphoric statement. I judge actual books by their actual covers. I’m completely convinced to pick up a book if it has a great picture on the cover, uses an eye-catching font, or has a snappy title. This time around I was won over by, not so much a snappy title, but an apt one. I came across this book at Chapters after I’d had three back to back sessions during which all three of my clients spoke about their people pleasing ways. I’m pretty sure that the title of this book convinced me to buy it on the spot.

The Nice Girl Syndrome is written with a very specific audience in mind – women who have been referred to or would consider themselves to be “nice girls.” In the early part of the book, Engel spends some time teasing out the variations of “nice girls,” describing how we become a “nice girl” and the false beliefs that are associated with the “nice girl” mentality. She draws attention to the cultural norms and media influence on women choosing a “nice girl” role. Engel focuses a lot of attention on trying to educate and encourage the reader to identify themselves in the pages of the book. She meticulously goes through 10 different false beliefs and gives concrete remedies for how to empower yourself to move away from being a “nice girl.”

I had such high hopes for this book. Seriously, the title and the chapter names were so convincing that I was like, “This book will be amazing! All my clients will need to read it!!” Aaaaaand I was wrong. Right in the introduction, I was rubbed the wrong way by this book. While the author explicitly states that she is not victim blaming, I still had a weird vibe from the language that she used and the way that being a “nice girl” was presented. I immediately did not want any of my clients to read this book.

With that being said, I decided to power through with reading it. I was annoyed to find that, at times, the author made some really good points. Like good to the point where I would take a picture of the sentence on my phone so that I wouldn’t forget it. Damn it…after the introduction, I wanted to find more and more reasons to not like this book. Instead, I seemed to develop a hate and tolerate relationship with it.

So, I’m admittedly hesitant to recommend this book. The cringe worthy moments outranked the good moments too much in my mind. I felt uncomfortable with a lot of the wording and I worry about the effects that those words could have on certain readers. Words are powerful. However, if you are able to put aside any emotional response to what you’re reading (unlike me, obviously) and you are curious about what some of the false beliefs linked to being a “nice girl” might be, then go for it…pick up this book and find the really good moments. Otherwise, maybe leave this book alone and leave it to me to find another, more comprehensive and less offensive, book for the people pleasers.

Interested in this book? Click here.

Making Neuroscience Easy to Understand

November 7, 2016 | Leave a Comment

This Week’s Book: Change Your Brain, Change Your Life Before 25 (J. Payne)

If you are a regular reader of my blog, it should be no secret by now that I have a bit of a love affair with neuroscience. Ok, more than a bit…I find it fascinating. So, I’m always on a quest to find great books that make neuroscience accessible and easy to understand. Just like all things related to psychology, it doesn’t need to be as complicated as it’s usually presented…or at least that’s my opinion. Anywho, this week I found another awesome book – a spin off from the bestselling book Change Your Brain, Change Your Life by Daniel Amen (spoiler alert: I’ll probably write about this book one day too). This book, Change Your Brain, Change Your Life Before 25, targets the 25 and unders, which just happens to be the age of a good chunk of my clients…so it seemed like a must read for me.

Change Your Brain, Change Your Life Before 25 is written in the same vein as Amen’s book, focusing on the brain’s ability for change and how we can modify it for the better. The book starts by giving a solid foundation of information about the brain, its developmental patterns and the science of neuroplasticity (the brain’s ability to change), followed by a section on ways that we can damage the brain. Payne also encourages readers to be empathic towards others, as he includes a section on understanding the brains of others. Lastly, this book includes a section on strategies for changing the brain. Payne takes a holistic approach to change in that section, targeting the mind, body, and soul.

So here’s an interesting fact about people under the age of 25 – their brains aren’t fully developed. I would imagine that a ton of people wouldn’t realize that fact until they read this book. Our brains don’t fully develop until between the ages of 25-28 and, when you think about it, oh man it explains a lot. This book does a great job of discussing the developmental process, while kindly helping readers understand what their brain is up to and why they may engage in certain behaviours. I feel like that education could’ve been done in a condescending manner, but Payne masterfully weaves in humour and information without a hint of condescension. In fact, throughout the whole book it is clear that Payne has worked a lot with young adults and knows how to communicate with them in a manner that will make them feel empowered.

In case you can’t tell yet, I loved this book. People under the age of 25 are so unique and their feelings are always so pure and big. This book does an amazing job of describing why that may be and some strategies that may be useful when encountering the enormity of it all. Payne manages to educate readers about their body’s biggest asset, the brain…something which we are often woefully ignorant about. I would recommend this book to anyone – under 25s, as a way to gain some self-understanding, and over 25s, as a way to increase understanding and empathy. Self-understanding, empathy, and understanding of others are always beneficial things to gain.

Interested in this book? Click here!

Recording a Breakdown

October 24, 2016 | Leave a Comment

This Week’s Book: The Bell Jar (S. Plath)

I’ll admit it – sometimes non-fiction bores me. Most of the books that I read for this blog are non-fiction and reading them takes up a good portion of each week. Yes, I create balance by always having a novel on the go too (for the record, right now it is The Beautiful and the Damned by F. Scott Fitzgerald)…but sometimes I just want to put aside non-fiction 100%. Luckily, I’m able to find some relevant novels every once in a while. Shocker: I bought this novel a looooong time ago…yet another one that has been collecting dust for far too long on my shelf.

This book was written by Pulitzer Prize winner, Sylvia Plath, and is said to be semi-autobiographical in nature. Given the harrowing details and obvious understanding of the thought processes of a person experiencing depression, it seems likely that it is true. The Bell Jar is a classic novel written about the emotional breakdown of the main character, Esther Greenwood. Readers follow the journey of Esther as she struggles with a lack of enthusiasm about her college years and the lacklustre relationships of her past and present. As time progresses, Esther descends into a depression so deep that she is given shock therapy and eventually placed in an asylum.

I think that this is a great read for both professionals and the general population, as it reveals the thought processes that can be commonly linked to depression. For example, on page 75 that narrator (Esther) states “I started adding up all the things I couldn’t do.” These types of negative thought spirals are so characteristic to depression and even anxiety. Throughout the book, readers are also privy to some of Esther’s catastrophic thoughts and her genuine belief that she was going to fail at healing and end her life in suicide. Readers who are dealing with depression and/or anxiety (or have in the past) will likely recognize some of their own thought patterns in the pages of this book. If you have been lucky enough to avoid experiencing depression or anxiety, you will learn about many of the hidden aspects and feelings associated with those mental health concerns.

The Bell Jar also exposes the fear and stigma that are associated with some of the psychological remedies of the past. While the treatments described in the book are not nearly as common or well-spoken of today, they were ground-breaking and well-established at the time that Plath was writing this book. Is that how people 50 years from now will consider our current treatment methods? Will some of our methods for treating mental illness be deemed harmful? For professionals, that’s definitely food for thought.

Interested in this book? Click here.

The Power of a Diary

October 5, 2016 | Leave a Comment

This Week’s Book: Stick Figure: A Diary of My Former Self (L. Gottlieb)

So I’m currently trying to make my way through all of the many, many, many books on my shelf. This is a big endeavour for sure. I used to work at a bookstore, so books are abundant in my home and many of them have so far gone unread. Thus, the book that I chose for this week’s blog came off the shelf…and I honestly have no idea when or where I bought it. It’s been on that shelf for a long time…

Stick Figure is the compilation of a young girl’s diary entries. The diary was written when Gottlieb was 11 years old – a year that took her from being an intelligent, spunky and sometimes awkward girl with no concerns about weight to an intelligent, spunky, and more popular girl with an eating disorder. Like one of the comments on the front cover states, this book really does read like a novel. The readers are privy to the author’s thought processes and are part of the dramatic shift from not fussing about food and weight to completely restricting everything that she ate. Gottlieb’s descent into an eating disorder began out of spite her parents and was quickly reinforced by the reactions that she got from others (attention and anger from parents, awe and attention from classmates).

This book was actually really interesting. When I first grabbed it off the shelf, I wondered not only when I’d bought it originally, but why. I mean I don’t necessarily focus my work on people struggling with eating disorders, so it seemed like a bit of anomaly on the shelf. However, I quickly realized that this was not just a book about disordered thinking and eating, it was about perception, relationships, and communication.

One of the biggest things that stood out to me was the ridiculous double standards conveyed by the adults in Gottlieb’s life and the messages that she received on a regular basis. While her mom would barely eat her own meals, she berated her young daughter for doing the same thing. I can only imagine how confusing that would be for an eleven year old girl. Additionally, Gottlieb grew up in a time when gender roles were still very prominent and she had the self-awareness to know that she did not necessarily fit those roles. So from very early on, she and others in her life labelled her as an outsider – something that spurred her later choices about food. When Gottlieb meets a particular nurse who takes an interest in her (idiosyncrasies and all) and cares deeply about her, you can see her resolve about the eating restrictions start to falter. As a counsellor, my heart broke for Gottlieb because it was clear how much she wanted to be listened to, understood, and loved in those moments. After all, every kid just wants to fit in, be accepted and feel normal.

I would suggest that all parents read this book. When you do, you’ll discover how the misguided focus of a parent, the lack of listening, and eventual desperation can have disastrous effects. The way that we speak to our children and interact with them on a daily basis can shape their reactions, thought processes, and coping strategies. This book is also an interesting read from a feminist perspective, as it questions our ability to deviate from the norms and be different. It documents how we struggle with these concepts from a very young age.

Interested in this book? Click here.

Our Brain Keeps Secrets

September 21, 2016 | Leave a Comment

This Week’s Book: Incognito: The Secret Lives of the Brain (D. Eagleman)

Ok, let’s do this! I’m actually super pumped to write about books again…and what a shocker, I chose a book on neuroscience to kick it all off. For those of you who have read my blog in the past, you’ll know all about my affinity for discussions of neuroscience and for those of you who are new to my blog…well, now you know. I love me some neuroscience. The brain is so fascinating to me and, as this book reminded me, we still have sooooo much to learn about it!

Incognito takes the reader on a journey through the brain. No, it’s not an anatomy lesson…it’s a detailed discussion on the meagre facts that we know about the brain and a look at all of the contradictions that are present in the mind. Eagleman does a masterful job of weaving together the conscious and subconscious story of the brain, showing the readers how our brain is often one step ahead of us and how it is always on the go. Our brain is made up of an abundance of overlapping subsystems and, at times, our conscious mind has a hard time keeping up.

I am in love with this book. It included a combination of my three favourite things in a psychology-related book: it was easy to read, it discussed cool science stuff, and it told me about a shitload of cool experiments. Seriously – I love reading about experiments and studies that have interesting and/or unexpected results. Like, how cool is it that our brain has already decided to make movements before our conscious mind decides? This book describes the study where they found that out. The more I read this book, the more I realized that our brain really does have a mind of its own…a simultaneously cool and horrifying thought. In a way, the brain really does operate like a giant switchboard à la the movie Inside Out.

I’ll admit though, despite my love for this book, there was a portion of it that somewhat lost me. In a seemingly random turn, the author included a large section on social policy, law, and the brain. I didn’t realize that the information being conveyed was building to that topic, but then it was happening and I was admittedly confused. But that section aside, I would highly recommend this book to anyone who is even remotely interested in the inner workings of the brain. This type of book makes me existed to see where science will take us next!

Interested in buying the book? Click here!

Hello…It’s Me

September 7, 2016 | Leave a Comment

Don’t worry – I’m not going to start belting out the lyrics to Adele’s song (let’s face it…the effect would just get lost in writing). It’s been a while though and, or course, the fault is entirely my own. I haven’t been writing and so you’ve had nothing to read here. I’ve been thinking about this blog a lot over the past few weeks and I think that you deserve to know why I disappeared without warning.

It’s very simple: that little asshole voice took over my inner dialogue and blogging seemed to grind to a halt. Should I explain? Probably. Talking about an inner dialogue always seems to warrant an explanation. We all have an inner dialogue and, more often than not, it can be quite mean to us. When my inner voice decides to be an asshole, it tends to insert doubt. It makes me question myself and then the “what ifs” just pour out like a waterfall. It went a little something like this: “Why are you writing opinion based blog posts? What if you can’t think of anything to write about? What if your opinions are stupid? What if nobody reads it anyways? What if you’re just wasting your time writing when you could be doing better things? …” You get the idea.

Needless to say, it became pity party central over here. I’ll freely admit – I’m in favour of a good (albeit short term) pity party every once in a while…but three months of blog related pity partying was definitely a bit much. I struggled to come up with ideas for blog posts and I felt constantly annoyed by it. From the moment that I started this blog, I have been very clear with myself about how I want to write posts and I found myself considering writing posts like the ones that I hate (I won’t get into detail about the type of posts that I despise). I told myself that, if I wasn’t inspired, I wasn’t going to write anything at all. Hmmm…you can probably see where that plan went wrong. I had given myself permission to stay stagnant…and I apparently decided to coast on that for three solid months. I really can be a grand procrastinator and avoider when I want to be…though I never end up feeling good about it.

Remember back in January when I wrote about my 2016 theme of balance? Well clearly I had not yet found balance when it came to blogging. In fact, 2016 blogging has been on a path towards being an epic failure. This has been another reminder that finding balance often involves a great deal of self-kindness and self-reflection.

So, now I have regrouped and come up with a new plan. Let’s bring this blog back to how it originally started – with me having a great old time ranting and raving about psychology and self-help books that I’ve read. Rather than trying to write about a new book every week, I will instead write about a book every other week. I may be a quick reader, but even I couldn’t keep up with trying to find and plough through a new book each week! I may also write some more opinion based posts on the other weeks…but only if I feel inspired and I will not be putting pressure on myself to do so. And so, with renewed enthusiasm and motivation, I welcome you back to my adventures with self-help and psychology books…all book recommendations are welcome and appreciated!

The Power of Music

May 30, 2016 | Leave a Comment

With the revelations this past week about Gord Downie’s struggle with a terminal illness, I feel that it’s only fitting to write about music this week. For those of you who don’t know, Gord Downie is the lead singer of the Tragically Hip – a Canadian band that has shaped the music landscape and probably has like a billion fans at this point. I could talk about those facts for quite a while, but alas this post will look more at the power of music when related to mental health.

One of my favourite Gord Downie songs isn’t actually a Tragically Hip song – it’s a collaboration that he did with City and Colour (another amazing Canadian artist). The song is called ‘Sleeping Sickness’ and it can be found on City and Colour’s 2008 album. Looking back now, I guess I first listened to it when I was on the tail end of my super anxiety filled years and my jaw literally dropped to the floor when I heard it. Before I go any further, I want you to take a minute to listen to it…it won’t take long. Here’s the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xiq0IiGilXE.

Holy shit, right? Well, I imagine that could’ve been your reaction if you are or have ever struggled with anxiety or depression….and if your experiences are/were anything like mine. I remember thinking that it was like these men had finally found the words to describe what I had been feeling, experiencing, struggling with…and not only had they found the words, they had made them beautiful. If you’ve never experienced debilitating forms of anxiety, you may not understand that there seems to be no beauty in those experiences…so this song was quite a feat. I’ll admit, I probably listened to that song on repeat about a million times – half the time crying while I listened and half the time feeling a weird sort of triumph. I was not alone – this song proved that once and for all. What a wonderful feeling – it was like the hammer that nailed the coffin shut on the isolation that I felt with regards to my struggles with anxiety.

Music is a powerful thing. Yes, we’ve all heard that before – I’m just reiterating it. After hearing that song, I started to keep my ears open to more pertinent song lyrics and pay attention to how my mood seemed to dictate the music I would choose on a given day. We do seem to connect with songs that speak to us, about us, and for us. Music can make us feel less alone because if someone wrote those lyrics, they must understand those feelings and experiences. So, I LOVE it when clients bring in music for me to listen to and tell me that it describes exactly how they’re feeling. Those sessions are some of my favourites, as we get to explore the lyrics, the instruments, and the mood and see how it relates to the individual sitting in front of me. No, I am not a Music Therapist, but I have experienced how music can give us the words and emotions that we can’t seem to put our finger on…a powerful thing indeed. What songs have impacted you in the past?

Considering Feminism in Game of Thrones

May 16, 2016 | Leave a Comment

Let’s stop for a moment and consider a question – how would you define feminism? It’s a question that’s often met with eye rolls or references to bra burning women or shrugs. And yet, it’s something that we need to consider…what with feminism making appearances in the speeches at the United Nations and being touted by our Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau, how can we not take a moment to pause and consider what feminism is and whether we adhere to its principles?

Ok, I’ll admit it – this post isn’t coming on the heels of my having watched an inspiring speech on feminism…it is being written after watching Game of Thrones. Don’t worry, I won’t share any spoilers about the most recent episode – there’s no need to stop reading now. I love Game of Thrones…despite how brutal and somewhat traumatizing it can be at times. But before I relate feminism to Game of Thrones, perhaps we should start with a definition and why I even give a damn.

I remember having to do a presentation in graduate school on feminist therapy. Yes, there is a school of therapy that is feminist at its core. That presentation was eye opening – it was the first time that I had bothered to consider what feminism is and whether I fit the mold. It turns out that I do. Feminism is about the uniqueness of each person’s journey through life and the power differentials that are encountered. It is not limited to the experiences of women, but can apply to any instance where someone is being minimized, labelled, or oppressed. In feminist therapy, the goal is to empower individuals and to give them a voice. Feminist therapists will explore power dynamics, witness storytelling, use copious amounts of empathy, and advocate for equality. To answer a question that you may have, no I do not identify solely as a feminist therapist. I do, however, incorporate many of the principles into my practice and interactions with clients.

So back to Game of Thrones (I know you’ve be waiting for that). Yes, Game of Thrones is a series full of inspiring, badass women…but it is also a show about power differentials, the struggles of those who are minimized by society, and about people fighting to be heard. In my opinion, Tyrion is actually the prime example of feminism in the show. So, if you watch Game of Thrones and you find yourself cheering on the underdogs, the marginalized, the strong women and men…have you considered that you may be more of a feminist than you thought? It’s something to mull over…

A Twentysomething Wake Up Call

April 25, 2016 | Leave a Comment

Photo c/o chapters.ca

This Week’s Book: The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter – And How to Make the Most of Them Now (M. Jay)

Another book – I’m on a roll! This book got shoved into my hands recently by a co-worker who demanded that I tell her if it was for real. Ok, I’m making that sound much more dramatic than it really was, but she did want me to read it so that we could talk about it. She definitely piqued my curiosity about this book, as she made it seem like it was simultaneously demoralizing and transformative for each person who read it. I can’t say that I’ve read many books that illicit such opposing responses, so I figured that I’d better give it a go.

The Defining Decade looks at the identity crises that we often have in our twenties and challenges the more recent claim that “thirty is the new twenty.” By focusing on the decade that is our twenties, Jay shines some much needed light on how important that time period is for our development and life paths. The book is split into three sections: Work, Love, and The Brain and The Body. In the Work and Love sections, Jay identifies the thought processes that many people in their twenties have about these topics, how those thought processes are misinformed, and how the twenties can be used to our best advantage. In The Brain and The Body section, Jay describes how the brain is in its final stages of development during our twenties and how our bodies start to decline after our twenties. Neuroplasticity (the ability of our brain to change) and fertility are discussed at length.

What a great book! Jay does a wonderful job of interweaving well-known research studies and theories with stories from her clients. I don’t know about you, but I love a good interweaving of facts and reality. It makes so much more sense when you read stories that are relatable to the (sometimes heavy) theories and research. Ok, so I’m going to be really honest right now – that whole transformative vs. demoralizing vibe that I was picking up on…that was pretty justified. I’m not in my twenties anymore, so I pretty much just got the demoralizing side of it (I’m looking at you, fertility section…yikes), but I can definitely see how this book would be inspiring and motivational for people still in their twenties. For all those people who treat their twenties like a freebie decade (intentionally or unintentionally), this book will likely give them a swift kick in the ass and subtly shame them into making good use of those years. So, to answer my co-worker’s question: Yup, this book is pretty legit. I’d take it seriously if I were still in my twenties…

Interested in this book? Click here!

I Smile Back

April 18, 2016 | Leave a Comment

This Week’s Book: I Smile Back (A. Koppelman)

So, another week passed without a blog post from me. I’ve got a really good reason this time though – I was on the tail end of a vacation last week! Ok, it was more of a staycation, but I digress. Considering the type of work that I do, I find that it’s really important to take a break from time to time and catch up on sleep/self-care/life in general. So, here I am – refreshed and energetic once more…and with a book to tell you about. It’s been a while since I wrote about a book…mostly because I had no time to read in the weeks prior to my staycation. This one is a bit different than previous books that I’ve written about, as it’s actually a novel. Nonetheless, it is a book that may get people thinking…

I Smile Back focuses on one woman’s struggle with her demons. On the outside, Laney seems to have a perfect life – great house, wonderful husband, and well behaved children. However, she is dealing with depression and leading a hidden life full of drugs, alcohol, and meaningless sex. The novel gives an inside look at how Laney thinks about herself and the world around her. It also approaches the topic of depression, hopelessness, and coping with blunt honesty. Laney’s struggles illustrate the difficulties of wearing a mask day-to-day and what happens when the cracks start to show.

c/o chapters.ca

I’ll say it simply – I liked this book. It was a quick read and very well written. It actually sparked a level of empathy in me that I think I last felt when I read Prozac Nation…like I, as the reader, am walking into the darkness with the main character. Don’t misinterpret that – I didn’t enter into a wave of depression simply by reading the book. No…I felt like I could understand depression just that little bit better though after reading it. I credit that to the way that the author writes – straightforward and intricate. This is the type of book that will get you to think about moral issues and topics that often illicit very black and white opinions. It will also leave you with a greater understanding of despair, hopelessness, and how easily our demons can take over.

Ok, I’ll admit it – as I reread my last sentence, I can see that I’m not making this book sound super appealing. But trust me, it is well worth reading…especially if you wish to gain an inside look at what depression means for some people…

Interested in this book? Click here!