Happiness

This One’s For the People Pleasers

November 21, 2016 | 1 Comment

This Week’s Book: The Nice Girl Syndrome (B. Engel)

I may have mentioned it before, but I totally judge a book by its cover. No…I’m not saying that as a metaphoric statement. I judge actual books by their actual covers. I’m completely convinced to pick up a book if it has a great picture on the cover, uses an eye-catching font, or has a snappy title. This time around I was won over by, not so much a snappy title, but an apt one. I came across this book at Chapters after I’d had three back to back sessions during which all three of my clients spoke about their people pleasing ways. I’m pretty sure that the title of this book convinced me to buy it on the spot.

The Nice Girl Syndrome is written with a very specific audience in mind – women who have been referred to or would consider themselves to be “nice girls.” In the early part of the book, Engel spends some time teasing out the variations of “nice girls,” describing how we become a “nice girl” and the false beliefs that are associated with the “nice girl” mentality. She draws attention to the cultural norms and media influence on women choosing a “nice girl” role. Engel focuses a lot of attention on trying to educate and encourage the reader to identify themselves in the pages of the book. She meticulously goes through 10 different false beliefs and gives concrete remedies for how to empower yourself to move away from being a “nice girl.”

I had such high hopes for this book. Seriously, the title and the chapter names were so convincing that I was like, “This book will be amazing! All my clients will need to read it!!” Aaaaaand I was wrong. Right in the introduction, I was rubbed the wrong way by this book. While the author explicitly states that she is not victim blaming, I still had a weird vibe from the language that she used and the way that being a “nice girl” was presented. I immediately did not want any of my clients to read this book.

With that being said, I decided to power through with reading it. I was annoyed to find that, at times, the author made some really good points. Like good to the point where I would take a picture of the sentence on my phone so that I wouldn’t forget it. Damn it…after the introduction, I wanted to find more and more reasons to not like this book. Instead, I seemed to develop a hate and tolerate relationship with it.

So, I’m admittedly hesitant to recommend this book. The cringe worthy moments outranked the good moments too much in my mind. I felt uncomfortable with a lot of the wording and I worry about the effects that those words could have on certain readers. Words are powerful. However, if you are able to put aside any emotional response to what you’re reading (unlike me, obviously) and you are curious about what some of the false beliefs linked to being a “nice girl” might be, then go for it…pick up this book and find the really good moments. Otherwise, maybe leave this book alone and leave it to me to find another, more comprehensive and less offensive, book for the people pleasers.

Interested in this book? Click here.

The In-Between Generation

March 28, 2016 | Leave a Comment

Over the years, I’ve noticed that I have been seeing more and more people in their 20’s and 30’s who are dealing with identity crises, anxiety, and/or depression. It’s gotten me thinking…sometimes I feel like people around my age (in their 30’s) are part of an “In-Between Generation.” I may be using this term differently than other people have in the past, so let me explain…

How can one whole generation be termed “in-betweeners”? Well, in my opinion, we have thoroughly experienced two very different worlds. We lived have lived in a time when technology didn’t matter as much and we now live in a time where technology is everything. When we grew up, the Internet wasn’t really a thing yet. There was no Google and we used dictionaries and encyclopaedias to look up information. Social media came into play when we were already in our university years (or beyond) and our lives were not documented on the Internet for the world to see. Now, things are different and we have embraced that world too. We live by our phones and feel disconnected from the world if we aren’t checking our texts, email, or social media sites every few minutes. Google teaches us everything we need to know and we can get by with screens instead of paper. We are also more restless, impulsive, and pressured than in the past.

So, you’re probably wondering why I’m talking about this. Who really cares that there is a demographic that has experienced both sides of the coin to the fullest degree? Well, I’ve been wondering if there is a link between all of those lost, anxious, and depressed individuals that are walking into my office and this idea of an “in-between generation.” Seeing as we grew up and developed in a slower paced and less technological world, could anxiety, depression and identity issues be the price we pay for adaptation? Or are they more so a product of our fast paced, pressure driven society? Or, to give another option, is all of this completely random and I just happen to draw a lot of similar people into my office? Any of those are possible, I’ll admit.

What are your thoughts on this observation of mine? Do you find yourself caught in an in-between generation? I know I certainly do – there are definitely moments when I yearn for the simplicity of my youth and I’m annoyed by how quickly everything needs to move now.

Wrapping Our Brains Around…The Brain

January 25, 2016 | Leave a Comment

This Week’s Book = Your Brain: A User’s Guide (by National Geographic)

Ok, I’m back to reading! I’ll confess that I always find it challenging to pick up work-related and/or psychology-focused books after the holiday season. For some reason my brain just wants to linger in its relaxed, think-about-nothing-serious kind of state and I tend towards fun, easy to read novel. But alas, today it is exactly one month post-Christmas, so it’s time to get back into the swing of reading. I chose to be nicer to myself though and ease myself in with a magazine as opposed to a book.

I’ll admit it…I’m not a fan of the fact that National Geographic recently shifted from its non-profit roots to being majority owned by 21st Century Fox. It annoys me to the point of contemplating a boycott…but then I see a National Geographic magazine on the newsstands and they just look so damn appealing. So here we are, talking about National Geographic’s Your Brain: A User’s Guide. This magazine, as the title advertises, teaches the readers about the brain. Readers will learn about the learning, perceptive, unconscious, emotional, and aging brain. Sprinkled throughout the magazine are bright and relevant pictures, sidebars with interesting stories, and 100 facts that you may not have known about the brain.

This may seem like a relatively lame choice for my first review of 2016 and, in a way, I would agree. For me (and any other professionals, I would assume), this magazine reminded me of information that I learned waaaaay back in my undergraduate program when we would study the brain in 100/200 level courses. That’s cool – I don’t shy away from reminders and it’s been a while since I’ve read about that sort of stuff. It’s probably not a huge surprise to hear that my favourite chapters (yes, this magazine is split into chapters) were on the Unconscious Brain and the Emotional Brain. In those chapters, you can learn about mapping emotions, positive and negative emotions, mental health, dreams, altered states, and the importance of sleep for our brain (among other things). My penchant for describing complex concepts in a simplistic, easy to read manner was definitely satisfied with this magazine. I would recommend it for anybody looking to learn more about the brain, particularly the emotional and unconscious sides. After all, an understanding of the brain can give you a good foundation of knowledge for when you are considering the ups and downs of life.

Interested in this magazine? Click here! It’s only available on shelves until 02/12/16.

A Balancing Act

January 18, 2016 | Leave a Comment

2016 is 18 days old now. So, for those of you who made resolutions, how are those working out so far? I’m going to guess that many of you have already abandoned them. It’s an educated guess, as studies show that a large portion of people making resolutions end up dropping them within the first month. In fact, today (the third Monday of January) is termed “Blue Monday” and I would venture to guess that some of those blues stem from failures due to resolutions.

You may remember that I’m on the No Resolutions train…opting instead to choose a theme. My theme of balance has been a good choice so far, already acting simultaneously as a challenge and a liberating venture. It’s only been 18 days and I’ve already made some awesome realizations and modifications to my life. Since balance is an idea that’s touted so heavily nowadays, I thought it may be useful to share my thoughts so far…

Balance is about giving permission when needed, not making excuses.

I caught myself making excuses the other day in the name of balance. I had some work tasks that needed to be achieved and my motivation was at an exceptional low. I tried to tell myself that, since I’d seen clients earlier in the day, I didn’t have to do this more administrative type of work…I needed to create balance by having some lazy time. Nope, that’s not how it works. Laziness and lack of motivation are not the basis of creating balance. I realized the difference between permission and excuses when I allowed myself to leave a social engagement early to get some rest (I had a bit of a cold). It could have been quite easy to completely abandon the social event to rest all day, but instead I did a little bit of social time before giving myself permission to have a little bit of rest time.

Balance involves embracing your weekends and vacations.

This is definitely the hugest change that I’ve made so far. I wouldn’t consider myself a workaholic, but I have developed the habit of “multitasking” at home and puttering away on little work projects while watching TV. I put multitasking in quotes there because I could never really tell you what was happening on the TV, just about the work that I was doing. I found myself saying to people that I work all the time with a shrug and slight frown on my face. Not cool. I spent sooooo much time working that I began to miss out on hobbies, social engagements, relaxation, and exercise. So going into 2016, I knew that this would be my biggest change. I’ve started to embrace the weekend. I do not do any work on my days off, unless I am completely motivated and really want to…much different from before when I felt like I should always be doing work and I spent a lot of time forcing that belief. Already, I’ve found myself achieving more non-work projects and taking time to do the little things that I enjoy.

Balance teaches you to work with your perceived flaws and accept yourself.

This part is definitely a work in progress, but I’m starting to accept certain aspects of me that were interfering with balance in the past. For example, I am totally a night owl. It’s like my brain turns on around 8pm, making me the most productive at the most inopportune times of day. In the latter half of 2015, I tried really hard to live like a “normal” person. I went to bed at 1030…and I would lay there wide awake for hours. I would set an alarm and wake up at 630am…and then I would be horribly tired and unproductive until about noon. What a waste of time. For the past three weeks, I have re-embraced my night owl nature and allowed myself to take advantage of my productive times of day. Given that I work mostly in the evenings, I have taken to not setting an alarm and allowing myself to wake up naturally each day. I decided to let any snarky remarks that people will shoot my way just roll off me (i.e. “You didn’t get up till 10am on a Monday? Must be nice…”). And what can I say? It’s been fabulous.

On this Blue Monday, I encourage you to take some time to consider the success and moments of learning that you have already experienced in 2016. How have your resolutions or 2016 themes been panning out?

Words to Live By in 2016

December 31, 2015 | 1 Comment

Let’s take a moment to talk about New Year’s resolutions. Yup, I agree, this is a tired old topic that a lot of people talk about and yet, resolutions continue to be made each year. But I’m just going to say it – I hate them. Sure, the idea is nice – starting the year off on a really determined note and tackle a problem that’s been plaguing us, like weight loss or exercising more or quitting smoking. Too bad it rarely works. In fact, when our resolutions are eventually broken, we are often left feeling worse about ourselves. As a counsellor, wouldn’t it be irresponsible of me to condone a practice that often leaves people feeling bad about themselves? My vote is yes.

Yet, I love the idea of a new year being a time for fresh starts…an idea that is put into action when creating resolutions. Though this seems like it could be a conundrum for me, it’s not. I like to take a different tactic when entering a new year. Rather than resolutions, I choose a theme.

My decision to choose a theme was inspired by Sheri, who chooses a word to live by for the year and shares her experiences on her blog, http://purplestamper.blogspot.ca/. In the past couple of years, I have also chosen a theme which essentially acts as a goal for my year – not nearly as pressure-filled as resolutions. And you know what? It’s been a pretty successful strategy. For example, two years ago my theme was ‘New Beginnings’ and that year saw me starting my own business and starting fresh with new types of exercise after ankle surgery. Last year, I chose ‘Building’ as my theme and it saw me grow my business and start this blog. So what should I choose this year?

The answer to Balance that question seemed pretty obvious when I sat back to mull it over this week. My theme this year is ‘Balance.’ I’ve been working hard on my business over the past few years and I realized that, while I talk to clients all the time about finding balance in their lives, that concept has been somewhat lost to me over the past few years. So, it’s time to get back on track and seek out balance in my
life again. You’re hearing it here first – I shall find a balance between work and play, greasy food and exercise, alone time and social time, technology time and technology-free time…ok I’m sure there are more areas to balance, but I can’t think of them right now.

With this new theme in mind, the first change I will be making will be to this blog. While I love reading and then writing about the books that I’ve read, it is sometimes really hard keep up and have a book to write about each week! So moving forward, I will be changing the format of this blog to include an even sprinkling of book-related posts and more colloquial posts. Hooray for balance! I hope you all like the changes to come…

For now though, I leave you with one question to think about or comment on: What will your 2016 theme be?

Jumping on the Yearly Recap Bandwagon (Part 2)

December 21, 2015 | Leave a Comment

Continuing on the yearly recap that I started last week, here are my top five most helpful books:

#5: The Body Keeps Score (B. Van Der Kolk)
Compared to the other horribly boring book that I read on trauma (I’m looking at you Trauma and Recovery), this book is fabulous. In a super easy to read format, this book gives the readers a window into the author’s professional journey of discovering different type of trauma therapy and techniques. The Body Keeps Score would be helpful for anyone with an interest in or experiences of trauma.

#4: Uncovering Happiness (E. Goldstein)
Another easy to read book…because it should be overwhelmingly apparent by now that I love a good book written in simple language. This book offers readers information and possible strategies for people dealing with depression. It is a motivating book that encourages self-kindness and has a realistic message overall.

#3: Rewire Your Anxious Brain (C.M. Pittman & E.M. Karle)
Ok, I’m going to admit it…choosing the order of my top three was actually really hard. They all should probably be tied for number 1, but alas. This is definitely one of my favourite books on anxiety. It takes very complex processes and shares them with readers in a simplified manner. This book includes lots of great information, exercises, and strategies that will help readers to start the process of rewiring their brains.

#2: Quiet (S. Cain)
It seems like most people have heard of this book… and for good reason – it’s great! Quiet discusses the differences between introverts and extroverts, while normalizing the traits and feelings associated with being introverted. There are not many good books written on this topic (in my opinion), so this one totally stands out as a helpful book to help introverts to better understand themselves and extroverts to understand their quieter counterparts.

#1: Furiously Happy (J. Lawson)
I had to do it…this book just had to be first. No, it’s not a typical self-help pr psychology book…in fact you won’t even find it in those sections at the bookstore. This is more of a biographical and humour type of book…and neither of those categories diminish the helpfulness of this book. Furiously Happy is a collection of essays that describe the author’s life and her ongoing dealings with mental illness. The most important part of this book is that it smashes stigmas (simply by being open and honest) and it has the potential to normalize certain experiences for readers. I have no doubt that many readers will recognize themselves in the pages of this book…and if they don’t see themselves, they will at least gain some understanding about people who deal with mental illness. The fact that this book challenges the stigma surrounding mental illness made this book an obvious choice for number 1 for me. At some point, I seem to talk to all of my clients about their encounters with stigma and their fears, upset, and anger about it. This book reminds you that you’re not alone.

So there you have it – my completely biased list of the Top 10 Most Helpful Books of 2015!

Making Sense of Our Internal Chatter

December 7, 2015 | Leave a Comment

c/o amazon.ca

This Week’s Book = Talking to Yourself: Learning the Language of Self-Affirmation (by P. Butler)

Spoiler alert: Everybody talks to themselves…and it can’t be crazy if everyone is doing it, right? We all have an internal dialogue going consistently and it can be lovely and pleasant or downright nasty. Negative self-talk can feel overwhelming, discouraging, and debilitating and, more often than not, people worry that it will never change. Since I tend to spend a lot of time talking about internal dialogues, or self-talk, with my clients (and sometimes self-talk that occurs out loud), I figured it was time to revisit one of my favourite books on the topic.

Talking to Yourself is an older book with foundational information that still applies today. Pamela Butler uses this book to discuss the concept of self-talk, which can have both positive and negative effects on our lives. She devotes a chapter to each of the different ways that our self-talk can be harmful and negative, giving them names such as Drivers, Stoppers, and Confusers. She also discusses the ways that self-talk can be used in a self-supporting manner. Butler shares strategies for how people can hone their positive self-talk, while also discussing barriers that can get in the way.

This book has always resonated with me. Yes, it has the corny psychology language that I’ve come to hate (seriously, why do people in the psychology field have to give EVERYTHING cheesy names??), but it also has some really great information for understanding the internal dialogue that we all experience. I love that there’s a systems component to this book – in other words, it looks at the concept of self-talk in the context of our environment and discusses the influences that others can have on our internal dialogue. Systems theory is foundational to my work, so I always like to read about topics from that perspective. In my opinion, this book is helpful for those wanting to learn more about or change their self-talk patterns.

Interested in this book? Click here!

Speaking Your Partner’s Language of Love

November 23, 2015 | Leave a Comment

This Week’s Book = The Five Love Languages (by G. Chapman)

I’ve noticed that, in the autumn months, I seem to be talking more and more with clients about relationship issues. Is it because the happy, carefree feelings of summer have left us? Honestly, I’m not too sure if there’s a correlation there. Perhaps it’s the stress and feelings of tension that often come with all of the autumn and winter holidays. Regardless, I have found myself talking about the principles in this week’s book more and more lately, so I figured I’d better share it with you!

The Five Love Languages, written by Dr. Gary Chapman, describes the dynamics of relationships and love in a simplistic and practical manner. Chapman discusses the idea that love is a choice and it takes work. As he states, so many people enter into a marriage and assume that their love will sustain itself and never be an issue. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. In reality, love takes time, effort, and constant consideration for both partners to feel emotionally fulfilled. In this book, Chapman describes what he calls ‘the five love languages’: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, and Receiving Gifts. Each person has their own primary love language, which helps to meet their emotional needs with regards to love. Chapman discusses the importance of recognizing and choosing to act on your partner’s love language as a way to fulfill the emotional needs of a love relationship.

My first encounter with this book was many years ago and the content completely made sense to me. While I think that calling them our love languages is kind of corny, I can’t fault the logic and principles behind Chapman’s work. In fact, I notice it all the time now in relationships that I experience or observe around me. I talk about love languages often with clients who are experiencing discord in their relationships and it always seems to be a concept that is understandable for people. Many of my clients seem surprised by how straightforwardly simple it all is and that seems to encourage them to try out new things in their relationship (i.e. speaking their partner’s love language). Personally, I love how Chapman discusses at length that love is a choice and it requires work. That’s a true fact that we often try to ignore when we feel enamoured with someone else…and then we are surprised when the cracks begin to show in the relationship. I recommend this book to anyone who is interested in looking at their relationships through a different lens and improving their interactions with loved ones.

Interested in this book? Click here!

The Humour and Honesty of Survival

August 10, 2015 | Leave a Comment

This Week’s Book = This is How: Surviving What You Think You Can’t (by A. Burroughs)

Image c/o amazon.com

This book surprised me. I actually picked it up just to keep me occupied while I enjoyed a coffee and dessert at a local cafe…never thinking that it would be the topic of one of my blog posts. In all honesty, I thought that this book looked funny and like an easy read. It didn’t disappoint on either of those assumptions. However, it also invited the reader to look at some serious issues in a bluntly honest way…and with that, it became a book that I thought could be useful to chat about.

This is How is a book that forces readers to look at the tough areas of life. There is a dry wit that runs rampant throughout this book and is even evident in the chapter titles (‘How to Be Fat’, which is followed by ‘How to Be Thin’). Burroughs discusses 28 different topics (each getting its own chapter) – everything from suicide to eating disorders to losing a child. Throughout the book, there is a matter-of-fact tone as Burroughs shares many stories from his own life and makes blunt statements about each issue.

Part of me liked this book. It really was another laugh out loud on the Skytrain type of book…even the part where Burroughs compares therapists to hookers. Conversely, the other part of me feels uneasy about it. Sure, sometimes people need blunt statements and/or humour to kick their butt into gear. But not always. There were times when I was reading this book that I grimaced – I felt like Burroughs was minimizing some issues and talking about them in almost an arrogant fashion. On the flipside though, there were also sections of the book that seemed more successful with his straight-to-the-point style. In my opinion, the usefulness and even the humour of this book will depend on sensitivity of the reader and the issues that they may be dealing with at the time of reading. If you are a “no bullshit” type of person, this may just be the book for you. Keep in mind though – Burroughs is neither a self-help writer nor a counsellor.

Interested in the book? Click here!

Depression, Mindfulness, and Self-Compassion

June 29, 2015 | Leave a Comment

This Week’s Book = Uncovering Happiness: Overcoming Depression with Mindfulness and Self-Compassion (by Elisha Goldstein)

Luckily, my unhappy dive into evolutionary psychology last time did not deter me from my goal to read some more informational books. I have been actively seeking a book on depression – I hadn’t read a new book about depression in a while and this one showed up near the top of all my searches. I’ll admit, this book somewhat drew me in with its cheerful appearance and inspirational title. I mean, who doesn’t want to uncover happiness? And a jolly blue cover with a bright yellow flower/sun thing? Great!

This book allows readers to gain a greater understanding of depression and what is going on in the brain when depression is occurring. Elisha Goldstein manages to provide very simple definitions of somewhat complex processes, while offering much encouragement to the readers. Right from the introduction, Goldstein endeavours to inspire hope in the readers by providing a multitude of examples and easy to complete strategies. Among other things, Goldstein discusses the creation/breaking of habits, the natural anti-depressant brain, mindfulness, and self-compassion.

In all honesty, I was drawn to this book because of its mention of self-compassion in the title. When I started reading, I quickly discovered that this book discussed two of my favourite concepts: self-compassion and neuroplasticity (put very simply, the brain’s ability to change and form new pathways). I often find myself discussing those concepts with my clients. Like me, other professionals may also appreciate the simplistic description of depression and the concepts and be able to use them in sessions with clients. I found this book to be very easy to read and interesting, though there were some moments when I felt the writing was a bit corny (or perhaps that’s just my dislike for generic mantras creeping in). I think that this book would be a super useful tool for people experiencing depression, as it gives plenty of easy to understand information and some straightforward strategies to try (there is even a section called ‘The Natural Antidepressant Toolkit’). This is a book with a cheerful cover and a realistic message.

Interested in this book? Click here.